I would like to open a dialogue with you by saying BACK OFF! December is clearly your month, and in recent years, you’ve taken November and January down with you. Now you dare to infringe upon my Halloween? When will it be enough for you Christmas? Will I soon be putting up my plastic Santa in March? Is that what you want? Let me tell you a little story Christmas.
It was a rainy October 2nd, I realized I was going to need some black pillar candles for Halloween. “Wonderful!” I thought to myself, for since it is OCTOBER I should have no trouble. I went to Target, naively heading for the Halloween section, no idea what wait ahead. I walked down the first aisle, past the spider-webs and the party supplies, including one choice of paper plates, and a platter with eyeballs. **Not your best Target**
I then meandered down the second aisle, this one filled with costumes. I contemplated the notion of being a fairy for Halloween, but the wing to my body ratio would have caused me to use a bumblebee metaphor, and who needs that kind of negativity. I also stood for a moment and longed for the day that I would have $49.99 to dress my German Shepherd/Lab mix up as a giant squirrel.
I sighed and moved onward to the next aisle where I literally stopped dead in my tracks. Was that Rudolf? Was I standing in the middle of a Christmas tree display? What the hell was happening?
And so it began the search for Black Pillar candles. I tried all the usual suspects, K-Mart, WalMart, pretty much all the ‘marts’. I searched high and low, but everywhere I went, there you were. Christmas, your ass was EVERYWHERE.
Christmas I understand you’re a big deal, but Linus hasn’t even waited for the Great Pumpkin yet, and you’re peddling me gingerbread houses. Have some self-respect Christmas. Everyone loves you; there is no reason to be this needy. You LITERALLY have God on your side, so respectively BACK THE HELL OFF MY HALLOWEEN! I know the weather is nice now, but putting up lights while getting frostbitten is part of the tradition, so BACK OFF. And honestly Christmas, where the hell would I put a gingerbread house for the next two months? My wrapping paper room? Do I look like a Rockefeller?
In conclusion Christmas, you need to let October go. Let it be free to scare small children and give me a way to buy a giant bag of mini snickers without judgment. I refuse to replace my pumpkins with the baby Jesus on the same day. You may have fooled some, but you’ll never get me even if you are holding my candles hostage! This girl does not negotiate with fanatics such as yourself.
Good Day Sir,